Small Fry, Please
by bane the luchador
Summary: Hidan curses the day he became partners with that cheap bastard.


_A/n: _I know it would make more sense for them to order of the cheap menu. But come on now. That wouldn't be nearly as funny, would it? :D Also, as a warning, there's _quite _a lot of rude language and general OOC-ness (for the sake of comedy).

It goes without saying that I don't own anything.

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**Small Fry, Please**

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What was once a quiet walk turned sour when a stomach growled audibly. The owner of the guilty organ was a silvery haired albino man wearing a black and red cloak. Said albino, Hidan, groaned loudly and shifted the huge scythe he wore on his back in discomfort.

"I'm starving, seriously." He turned to his partner, a mask wearing and money loving man called Kakuzu. Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Well, you could buy me some lunch at the next village?" Hidan asked hopefully, though he already knew what the answer was.

"No."

"Cheap asshole." Hidan growled, glaring at the other man. Kakuzu ignored the comment and kept walking, trying to pretend Hidan wasn't there. But all efforts were in vain as the priest opened his mouth to unleash a string of obscenities.

"God! Why are you such a stuck up fucker? Stupid heathen shit! That's what you are! Fucking bastard…" Hidan babbled on, but Kakuzu had long ago learned to tune him out. However, after a good fifteen minutes, Hidan was still going strong. Kakuzu could feel a headache developing so he turned to Hidan and sighed.

"Shut up and I'll buy you lunch, okay?"

Hidan's face brightened and he grinned happily. "Really? Thanks!" He was about to go on, but a withering glare from his partner had him snap his mouth shut. He was still grinning like an idiot when they entered the small village, though he stayed mercifully quiet.

Kakuzu took this moment of silence to assess the situation. '_Where's a cheap place I can take the idiot?_' He scanned the area for that one place, calculating the cost of a meal or two plus tax when he happened to look to his right and, as if the Gods were shining down upon him, he saw a McDonald's. He could have sworn the restaurant was glowing as a chorus sang somewhere at the back of his mind.

"C'mon, I found a place." Kakuzu motioned for Hidan to follow him as he walked towards the McDonald's.

By now, Hidan realised where he was being "treated" to, and he wasn't pleased.

"Nu-uh. No fucking way am I eating any of that fatty garbage! Do you even know how much grease is in that shit?" Hidan snapped. "No. You obviously don't! Well, guess what pal, I AIN'T eating there, and that's final!"

"You're hungry, aren't you?"

Hidan was silent for a moment before his stomach growled again. He sighed and hung his head in defeat.

"Then you'll eat whatever I buy you. Got it?"

A pouty 'fine' was mumbled as Hidan followed his partner into the restaurant. They were greeted with a particularly insane looking clown cutout and a cheery 'hello' from a girl behind the counter. Hidan inwardly flinched at the clown and quickly made his way up to the smiling girl.

"Hi and welcome to McDonald's! Can I take your order?" The girl, Stephanie (according to her name tag), recited with a beaming smile. Kakuzu, who'd come up behind the priest, winced at the sheer magnitude of that bright smile. It was as if the damned bitch had a flashlight hidden somewhere in there.

When Stephanie finally closed her hazardous mouth, Kakuzu was able to take in her initial appearance. She wasn't anything special, he mused. She wasn't bad looking, but he wouldn't fuck her.

Kakuzu then turned his gaze to the menu over Stephanie's head, looking for something acceptable yet inexpensive. After a few moments of searching, he found what he was looking for. A quick glance at Hidan confirmed that the priest was waiting for Kakuzu. He'd obviously already picked what he wanted. But, clearly, Kakuzu was going to have to re-pick for him. Knowing him, Hidan had most likely picked the most expensive thing he could find because he obviously didn't care about money. Kakuzu bit back a wince at that thought because who in their right mind didn't care about _money_?

Kakuzu turned back to Stephanie. "We'll take two children's meals." He could practically feel the shock rolling of Hidan, and he smirked slightly behind his mask. Stephanie, however, just smiled back at him. "Would you like those to be burgers or chicken tenders?" Kakuzu thought for a moment.

"Which one is cheaper?"

"They're both the same price. But the cheese and such is extra." She said. Kakuzu nodded.

"All right. Make them burgers, no cheese and no condiments. And no toys." Any moment, Kakuzu thought Hidan would explode. Yet, he somehow managed to keep his big mouth shut. Which was a miracle in itself.

"Alrighty, is that all?"

Kakuzu nodded again.

Stephanie told him the amount due and Kakuzu nearly cried as he handed over his precious money to the girl. She took it and put it in the cash register to never be seen by him ever again. She then handed them two small cups for drinks and smiled.

"Your order will be out soon."

Kakuzu nodded again and walked over to the soft drink fountain, Hidan slowly following him. Just as Kakuzu was getting himself a Diet Coke, Hidan had apparently snapped.

"Oh my God! You fucking, cheap asshole! I can't believe you! Kids meals? _Seriously_? I mean, come on! You couldn't even splurge enough to get regular sized meals, you filthy cocksucker?" Hidan seethed loudly, oblivious to the other people in the restaurant who had turned to see what all the commotion was about. Mothers were covering their children's ears and glaring at the foul-mouthed ninja. "You stupid heathen fucker! I can't believe you care more about your fucking money than me, your partner! You goddamn bastard! Jashin should strike you down! I-" Kakuzu clamped a hand over Hidan's mouth, glaring at him angrily.

"Could you shut up for five seconds?" He hissed. "People are staring." Hidan glanced around, noticing that it was completely silent as everyone in the restaurant stared at him in shock. Except for the women with children, who were seething. Kakuzu removed his hand and Hidan snapped his mouth shut.

"Uh. . . I'm terribly sorry about that, folks. You see, my friend here has. . . Tourette's and he can't help it. It's very tragic." Kakuzu was thinking quick, coming up with excuses for the priest's horrid mouth. Hidan blinked and was about to say something when Kakuzu subtly elbowed him in the ribs and hissed, "Just play along." Hidan nodded and turned to face the crowd. "It's true, seriously. I'm really sorry." He lowered his head a little in apology.

Like a switch had been flipped, the crowd went from anger to sympathy. A chorus of "Aww, you poor thing!" rang through the building as the people went back to their meals.

"Thanks man. I really owe you one, seriously." Hidan whispered to Kakuzu in obvious relief.

"Actually, you owe me a lot, but don't worry about it right now. I just didn't want to get thrown out." Kakuzu muttered back.

Hidan flushed in embarrassment. "Yeah. . . Sorry about that."

"Sir, your order is ready." Stephanie called to them, giving Hidan a sympathetic smile. Kakuzu walked over and collected their food as the girl whispered; "I put an apple fritter in there for him, free of charge." Kakuzu smiled deviously at her, though she couldn't see it.

"Thank you, ma'am. I'm sure he'll appreciate that." Stephanie nodded and wished them a good day as they went to sit at a booth.

As they opened their meal bags, Hidan let out a pleasantly surprised gasp. "Dude, look! An apple fritter! Fuck yeah!" He pulled the dessert out of the bag as Kakuzu was taking a bite of his burger.

"Well, would'ya look at that." Kakuzu said after swallowing his mouthful of burger and held his hand out. "Lemme see it for a second."

Hidan eyed him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Just give it here." Kakuzu commanded. Hidan slowly handed over the dessert in question. Kakuzu took it and pocketed it. The priest glared.

"What in the holy fuck do you think you're doing with _my_ dessert?"

"Well, obviously," Kakuzu grinned evilly at the slowly dawning realisation on Hidan's face. "I'm going to sell it."

"YOU CHEAP BASTARD!"


End file.
